Everything ego

Some people, in fact everyone state ego as "sense of self importance or esteem" but I have a different perception regarding it. I define ego as "something you value it a lot and you think that it is under your possession, something you own or someone your own." And I believe this is the sheer root thing which accounts for all the creations and devastations around the globe. Once it is pleased, you dream to touch the skies and once it is hurt, you turn wild (maybe not physically but yes, you do turn). The very same thing I experienced recently and came on a conclusion after introspecting myself. I don't know whether my conclusion shall be valid for your thoughts or not. So here I am presenting my experience with a conclusion in this hopefully the last post of the year.

That was my second visit to the transport office after some ups and downs for my learner's license. There were even some external ties with an officer but unfortunately he was on leave. However, I made it in a normal procedural manner until the final stage, the learner's test. I went through some pesky employees before that who actually raised up my anger level. Even I don't hesitate to accept that I got impatient that day. Moreover, impatience triggers your ego in a negative way. And then happend the most provoking event: I failed in the learner's test. You see it was just a small series of bad luck and I got provoked. 'I feel like a monster!...': Skillet's super-hit song, Monster was going on in my head. I came back to my friends, threw down my documents (though not onto a big radius but just in front of them) and I took one of the road-sign charts which we took it from a counter before the test and tore it. Seconds later, I walked away from that office. My friends tried to stop me but I went away.

I tried to convince myself a lot using a number of philosophies and moral teachings but my mind rejected everything saying: 'Hey!.. Flush away those shits. You are angry means you are angry.'. It is very difficult to implement such things on yourself in practice. Now did you notice? It was my sheer ego. Not that my self-importance was hurt or something but, that was the ego that I know how to drive properly. The ego that my father has external ties with an officer there. I reached home by walk from a distance and saw my friends as the door opened. "Hey guys!.. What has got you here?" I said, giving them an expression of 'Is he bloody psycho or something?'. I played some tracks like Karma is a Bitch and Diamonds and Guns loud enough to be heard in the vicinity. Meanwhile, my mom stepped in my room and scolded for my behaviour and told me to never do it again and not to be like that. After that my buddies patted my shoulder and gave me a hug, saying: "Don't worry baby... Next time you will definitely do it. We know.. don't be so disappointed.". Then they all planned to watch a movie to cool me down.

That night I thought to introspect myself and it actually created two sides of mine. One, the good and the other, the bad.

Good: Ady, what you did was so egoistic and childish!.. Don't you feel guilty?

Bad: Listen to me... What you went through was too good, isn't it?

Good: What you went through?.. Are you a innocent lamb or something who was taken by a butcher to cut down? Is that so hurting to you? Are you a small kiddo?


Bad: But that actually hurt you... And what you did was totally correct.


Good: Shut up! Such things happens to everyone... Just bad luck.. Time game, you see... And there are millions of people without any influence who visit such transport offices everyday. Unlike you, they are maintaining their patience. 


Bad: But you own your driving skills, then who the hell are they for not permitting your license?


Good: Oh just calm down!.. You were almost there but failed in the test. And the questions in the test are not set there and then. It's just your bad luck. Time game buddy...


Bad: Arrghh!.. And what about those pesky employees who talked rudely to you and to your friends? So what you did just compensated that and was totally right. 


Good: Let those people be as much rude as they want. It's their image, not yours. And when it comes to your ego, see what you have, never see what you don't have. Just see a beggar on a footpath and compare his life with yours...


Bad: Wait wait wait... By the way none of the public there noticed your anger. Only your friends saw it. And you have not done anything so notorious that you are getting so serious about it and you are introspecting yourself...


Good: Oh yes!.. Only your friends saw it. And you have not done some big crime thing to be so serious of!... Then why to introspect?..


Bad: Yeah... I won.. I won... 


Good: No! You are introspecting yourself for internal peace.  


"Ohhkkayyy... okay.. whatever...  Just shut up now." I said to myself.

Now through this I made a point. A point which I think is applicable in almost every creation and devastation around us. Ego. For instance, you assume that you are a project manager of some company and are given a new project to manage. You work on it very hard and the results are appreciated by your higher authorities. The moment they say things like 'I'm proud of you. Good work. Keep it up!', your ego gets praised and boosts up your confidence that you can do something more than this, bigger than this. And if another bigger opportunity comes your way and you do it, you build up some more confidence. This is creation. And if someday you are given with a small, yet difficult project to manage, you will say to yourself: 'Ohh.. It's just a child's play for me.'. But then if you fail in that, you are out of your control. Your bosses shall scold you for your failure and shall use you as an example of failed management skills for some of your co-workers and juniors. This personally makes you feel defeated and your confidence level shall fall down like a stone from a mountain. This is devastation. This is all one thing, the good and the bad, ego. I feel even a desire is nothing but ego. So as everyone expects a story to have an 'happy-ending' and victory of the good, I adopted the good of mine and came to a conclusion: Everything ego.

When I was thinking all this, my father came to ease me.

Dad: So here's the big man!.. You must not have done it. You actually wasted your friends' time.

Me: Yeah.. I know.. I'm sorry. And they are my buddies. We all need just one excuse to have fun. I know they will not regret this. No worries.  

Dad: Whatsoever!.. But it was just your bad luck, nothing else. Not to be so serious of like you are now.

Me:  Hmm.. I was just thinking the same. 

Dad: It just happens.. And don't take any tensions for such things. 

Me: It's not tension. It's provocation. 

Dad: Tension triggers provocation. Learn to be patient. There's no point in provoking in such a way. That will destroy you. You will have no friends. Be cool whatever it is. 

Me: Hmmm..

Dad: Okay now.. Leave it. I have talked to my secretary. He will arrange something. 

Me: What?

Dad: As in your license.

Me: Oh no!.. Leave it...  I don't want.

Dad: You don't want your license? 

Me: No.. I'll do it myself. I can do it myself.