Some people, in fact everyone state ego as "sense of self importance or esteem" but I have a different perception regarding it. I define ego as "something you value it a lot and you think that it is under your possession, something you own or someone your own." And I believe this is the sheer root thing which accounts for all the creations and devastations around the globe. Once it is pleased, you dream to touch the skies and once it is hurt, you turn wild (maybe not physically but yes, you do turn). The very same thing I experienced recently and came on a conclusion after introspecting myself. I don't know whether my conclusion shall be valid for your thoughts or not. So here I am presenting my experience with a conclusion in this hopefully the last post of the year.
That was my second visit to the transport office after some ups and downs for my learner's license. There were even some external ties with an officer but unfortunately he was on leave. However, I made it in a normal procedural manner until the final stage, the learner's test. I went through some pesky employees before that who actually raised up my anger level. Even I don't hesitate to accept that I got impatient that day. Moreover, impatience triggers your ego in a negative way. And then happend the most provoking event: I failed in the learner's test. You see it was just a small series of bad luck and I got provoked. 'I feel like a monster!...': Skillet's super-hit song, Monster was going on in my head. I came back to my friends, threw down my documents (though not onto a big radius but just in front of them) and I took one of the road-sign charts which we took it from a counter before the test and tore it. Seconds later, I walked away from that office. My friends tried to stop me but I went away.
I tried to convince myself a lot using a number of philosophies and moral teachings but my mind rejected everything saying: 'Hey!.. Flush away those shits. You are angry means you are angry.'. It is very difficult to implement such things on yourself in practice. Now did you notice? It was my sheer ego. Not that my self-importance was hurt or something but, that was the ego that I know how to drive properly. The ego that my father has external ties with an officer there. I reached home by walk from a distance and saw my friends as the door opened. "Hey guys!.. What has got you here?" I said, giving them an expression of 'Is he bloody psycho or something?'. I played some tracks like Karma is a Bitch and Diamonds and Guns loud enough to be heard in the vicinity. Meanwhile, my mom stepped in my room and scolded for my behaviour and told me to never do it again and not to be like that. After that my buddies patted my shoulder and gave me a hug, saying: "Don't worry baby... Next time you will definitely do it. We know.. don't be so disappointed.". Then they all planned to watch a movie to cool me down.
That night I thought to introspect myself and it actually created two sides of mine. One, the good and the other, the bad.
Good: Ady, what you did was so egoistic and childish!.. Don't you feel guilty?
Bad: Listen to me... What you went through was too good, isn't it?
Good: What you went through?.. Are you a innocent lamb or something who was taken by a butcher to cut down? Is that so hurting to you? Are you a small kiddo?
Bad: But that actually hurt you... And what you did was totally correct.
Good: Shut up! Such things happens to everyone... Just bad luck.. Time game, you see... And there are millions of people without any influence who visit such transport offices everyday. Unlike you, they are maintaining their patience.
Bad: But you own your driving skills, then who the hell are they for not permitting your license?
Good: Oh just calm down!.. You were almost there but failed in the test. And the questions in the test are not set there and then. It's just your bad luck. Time game buddy...
Bad: Arrghh!.. And what about those pesky employees who talked rudely to you and to your friends? So what you did just compensated that and was totally right.
Good: Let those people be as much rude as they want. It's their image, not yours. And when it comes to your ego, see what you have, never see what you don't have. Just see a beggar on a footpath and compare his life with yours...
Bad: Wait wait wait... By the way none of the public there noticed your anger. Only your friends saw it. And you have not done anything so notorious that you are getting so serious about it and you are introspecting yourself...
Good: Oh yes!.. Only your friends saw it. And you have not done some big crime thing to be so serious of!... Then why to introspect?..
Bad: Yeah... I won.. I won...
Good: No! You are introspecting yourself for internal peace.
"Ohhkkayyy... okay.. whatever... Just shut up now." I said to myself.
Now through this I made a point. A point which I think is applicable in almost every creation and devastation around us. Ego. For instance, you assume that you are a project manager of some company and are given a new project to manage. You work on it very hard and the results are appreciated by your higher authorities. The moment they say things like 'I'm proud of you. Good work. Keep it up!', your ego gets praised and boosts up your confidence that you can do something more than this, bigger than this. And if another bigger opportunity comes your way and you do it, you build up some more confidence. This is creation. And if someday you are given with a small, yet difficult project to manage, you will say to yourself: 'Ohh.. It's just a child's play for me.'. But then if you fail in that, you are out of your control. Your bosses shall scold you for your failure and shall use you as an example of failed management skills for some of your co-workers and juniors. This personally makes you feel defeated and your confidence level shall fall down like a stone from a mountain. This is devastation. This is all one thing, the good and the bad, ego. I feel even a desire is nothing but ego. So as everyone expects a story to have an 'happy-ending' and victory of the good, I adopted the good of mine and came to a conclusion: Everything ego.
When I was thinking all this, my father came to ease me.
Dad: So here's the big man!.. You must not have done it. You actually wasted your friends' time.
Me: Yeah.. I know.. I'm sorry. And they are my buddies. We all need just one excuse to have fun. I know they will not regret this. No worries.
Dad: Whatsoever!.. But it was just your bad luck, nothing else. Not to be so serious of like you are now.
Me: Hmm.. I was just thinking the same.
Dad: It just happens.. And don't take any tensions for such things.
Me: It's not tension. It's provocation.
Dad: Tension triggers provocation. Learn to be patient. There's no point in provoking in such a way. That will destroy you. You will have no friends. Be cool whatever it is.
Me: Hmmm..
Dad: Okay now.. Leave it. I have talked to my secretary. He will arrange something.
Me: What?
Dad: As in your license.
Me: Oh no!.. Leave it... I don't want.
Dad: You don't want your license?
Me: No.. I'll do it myself. I can do it myself.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
My first college bunk - Part III
Luckily this time we got the bus quite quickly as compared to that in the morning. And at around 2:30 pm, we reached Varun's place. We all sat in the drawing room and Varun brought some eatables.
"Give it to me.. I'm hungry.." I said as I snatched one packet of chips from Varun.
"Pass it to me after you have it.." said Rajat, conforming that he was also hungry.
"At what time you guys must reach your home?" asked Varun.
"Anytime.. Hahaha.." said Shubham.
"Ae kutte... Tell me correctly. We'll accordingly decide what to do." said Varun
"I'm having enough time. I reach at around 7 pm." said Prashant.
All of us were having enough time except me. I reach my home at 4 pm. I thought to tell my mother or sister, if they would call me, that soon after I reached my place my friends called me and asked to reach Varun's home.
"Okay... Then we'll watch a movie." said Varun, as expected.
Soon the movie critic Shubham and Varun went in to decide which movie to watch. Rajat was in the drawing room listening to some full bass rap songs (as he always does and dreams to be a master of it) in the loudspeaker stereo system which usually creates a mini earthquake. Me and Prashant were in the kitchen making maggi and tea. I always admire Prashant as 'CCM' or, the Chief Chai Maker. Meanwhile, my phone buzzed again: 'Mom calling...'. I attended and said the same as I thought before.
We all were ready and accepted each others' decision (this time avoiding any chaos) to watch Rock On. I had my part of maggi and tea and just slid on the bed pushing Shubham off it. I was too tired and was not able to understand what was going on with the movie. My eyes were just open to see, not to interpret. I saw Farhan Akhtar as some manager of some firm at one time and also as a funky guitarist at another time. All that seemed like a fairy tale and I soon fell asleep.
I woke up after a long nap. I don't remember if the movie was over or not but everyone decided to leave by then.
"Uth gaya ladka... " said Rajat.
"Oh yeah.. it was a nice nap.." I said and stretched myself.
We packed our bags, wore our shoes and then left from there and went our way back to our homes.
While walking towards my home, I thought to write the whole thing and publish it on my blog. On the same night I started writing this but then I stopped. I thought it has no moral, and moreover it might not have an interesting factor either. So I left it.
After a long time, I asked one of my college friends whether to write this or not. And that person said: "Experiences are better than thoughts.". I then composed myself and said: Okay.. let it be the way it is. I'll write it.
But still, somewhere I feel that it is all rubbish. My sincere apologies to you if I have wasted your time in this boring saga.
Thank you.
"Give it to me.. I'm hungry.." I said as I snatched one packet of chips from Varun.
"Pass it to me after you have it.." said Rajat, conforming that he was also hungry.
"At what time you guys must reach your home?" asked Varun.
"Anytime.. Hahaha.." said Shubham.
"Ae kutte... Tell me correctly. We'll accordingly decide what to do." said Varun
"I'm having enough time. I reach at around 7 pm." said Prashant.
All of us were having enough time except me. I reach my home at 4 pm. I thought to tell my mother or sister, if they would call me, that soon after I reached my place my friends called me and asked to reach Varun's home.
"Okay... Then we'll watch a movie." said Varun, as expected.
Soon the movie critic Shubham and Varun went in to decide which movie to watch. Rajat was in the drawing room listening to some full bass rap songs (as he always does and dreams to be a master of it) in the loudspeaker stereo system which usually creates a mini earthquake. Me and Prashant were in the kitchen making maggi and tea. I always admire Prashant as 'CCM' or, the Chief Chai Maker. Meanwhile, my phone buzzed again: 'Mom calling...'. I attended and said the same as I thought before.
We all were ready and accepted each others' decision (this time avoiding any chaos) to watch Rock On. I had my part of maggi and tea and just slid on the bed pushing Shubham off it. I was too tired and was not able to understand what was going on with the movie. My eyes were just open to see, not to interpret. I saw Farhan Akhtar as some manager of some firm at one time and also as a funky guitarist at another time. All that seemed like a fairy tale and I soon fell asleep.
I woke up after a long nap. I don't remember if the movie was over or not but everyone decided to leave by then.
"Uth gaya ladka... " said Rajat.
"Oh yeah.. it was a nice nap.." I said and stretched myself.
We packed our bags, wore our shoes and then left from there and went our way back to our homes.
While walking towards my home, I thought to write the whole thing and publish it on my blog. On the same night I started writing this but then I stopped. I thought it has no moral, and moreover it might not have an interesting factor either. So I left it.
After a long time, I asked one of my college friends whether to write this or not. And that person said: "Experiences are better than thoughts.". I then composed myself and said: Okay.. let it be the way it is. I'll write it.
But still, somewhere I feel that it is all rubbish. My sincere apologies to you if I have wasted your time in this boring saga.
Thank you.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
My first college bunk - Part II
We reached Priya Cinema in Vasant Vihar fifteen minutes before the show. I saw many school goers, probably they were also bunking, wearing designer sweat shirts and jackets on their school uniform to avoid any dismissal by the authorities of the cinema hall. Clever.
"Abe saalo... It's already 9:45! Will we get tickets now for the 10'o clock show?" I said, irritatingly.
"Haan bhai... You don't worry.. we'll get it. I'm assuring you." said Shubham.
I actually felt good when he said that because, of all of us, he is a serial movie watcher. Any new movie with a good review from critics, he becomes the one to be asked for another review.
"Sab nikaalo pachaas ke.." said Shubham and took 50 rupees from all of us and went to purchase tickets.
"Guys, we got in the D row. Fourth one from the screen." said Shubham.
"Abe yaar...:" said Varun, pissed off.
"It's all good. We'll enjoy. Mast hai. Fourth from the screen." said Rajat puffing cigarette smokes.
We then went in the hall and were happy to see that the show hadn't started yet. There were a few commercials playing on and soon, the movie started. People(school goers mainly) started whistling as soon as the CBFC certificate showed the title 'Rockstar'. I imagined how will they react when they will see their result on the CBSE certificate. Nevertheless, Rajat got hyper and blew a few whistles too.
The movie got over at about 12:45 in the afternoon and we all started roaming and thinking what to do next in the posh Vasant Vihar market. We thought to have lunch first but we knew that any of the restaurants there won't give a single piece of bread for us in our budget. At such times you notice, your stomach itself finds one alternative. The same was with us and we found the good old McDonald's! Or simply as we call, McD.
"Let's go McD." said Varun after ending his conversation with his girlfriend.
"Okay.. I'm feeling hungry." said Prashant.
"We can't cure our hunger with just burgers!" I protested.
"Yes... Exactly.. " Shubham supported me.
"Perhaps this is the only alternative, you see." said Prashant.
We all went in and ate what all was available in our budget. We all were having another three-hour time span to roam around. So we decided to go to Varun's residence where we were planning to watch another movie. - Just getting so casual I tell you.
... To be continued.
"Abe saalo... It's already 9:45! Will we get tickets now for the 10'o clock show?" I said, irritatingly.
"Haan bhai... You don't worry.. we'll get it. I'm assuring you." said Shubham.
I actually felt good when he said that because, of all of us, he is a serial movie watcher. Any new movie with a good review from critics, he becomes the one to be asked for another review.
"Sab nikaalo pachaas ke.." said Shubham and took 50 rupees from all of us and went to purchase tickets.
"Guys, we got in the D row. Fourth one from the screen." said Shubham.
"Abe yaar...:" said Varun, pissed off.
"It's all good. We'll enjoy. Mast hai. Fourth from the screen." said Rajat puffing cigarette smokes.
We then went in the hall and were happy to see that the show hadn't started yet. There were a few commercials playing on and soon, the movie started. People(school goers mainly) started whistling as soon as the CBFC certificate showed the title 'Rockstar'. I imagined how will they react when they will see their result on the CBSE certificate. Nevertheless, Rajat got hyper and blew a few whistles too.
The movie got over at about 12:45 in the afternoon and we all started roaming and thinking what to do next in the posh Vasant Vihar market. We thought to have lunch first but we knew that any of the restaurants there won't give a single piece of bread for us in our budget. At such times you notice, your stomach itself finds one alternative. The same was with us and we found the good old McDonald's! Or simply as we call, McD.
"Let's go McD." said Varun after ending his conversation with his girlfriend.
"Okay.. I'm feeling hungry." said Prashant.
"We can't cure our hunger with just burgers!" I protested.
"Yes... Exactly.. " Shubham supported me.
"Perhaps this is the only alternative, you see." said Prashant.
We all went in and ate what all was available in our budget. We all were having another three-hour time span to roam around. So we decided to go to Varun's residence where we were planning to watch another movie. - Just getting so casual I tell you.
... To be continued.
My first college bunk - Part I
"Time is precious. Once it is gone it never comes back, though you do anything you can. It never spares anyone. So you have to work hard and efficient enough to get good scores. Exams are coming up. Go study. Study. STUDY."- Bah! Who cares about all these when you are with your buddies? No one. So here's a nonsense post, in fact utterly nonsense post about my first college bunk.
A monotonous Monday and the routine follows up. Wake up early, get ready and go to college. While walking towards the cab, you suddenly get connected to your college. You get in a trauma that you forgot about some assignments which were to be done in the past weekend. Shit! Reschedule your assignment work for the next weekend with some more assignments which shall be given in the current week. And of course, prepare for upcoming practical exams. Screwed up! Luckily, that day you put in an interesting book in your bag to read and then you make a resolution to burst your stress - 'Okay... I will read this book whole day.'
I was just a few kilometers away from my college, "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. Rashmi Bansal." said that book cover. After two pages of reading, my phone buzzed. 'Shubham calling...' and I immediately answered.
"Yup. Bol... kya baat hai?" I said.
"Yeah listen... where are you?" he enquired.
"I am on my way to college. I am almost there." I answered.
"Ohkay... Don't go." he said taking deep breaths.
"Why? What happend?" I got serious.
"None of us are going. Me, Prashant, Varun and Rajat.. None of us.. come back.. we'll have fun." he said in a normal breath.
"Alright. Where I have to meet you guys?" I asked.
"Come to Sarojini Nagar market. We will be waiting for you. Chal okay. Bye." he said and disconnected.
And my stress was vanished in some fraction of seconds after the call. I asked the driver to stop the cab. Then I got down and saw a number of 7-seater sharing-type-auto rickshaws one after the other, with all its drivers screaming 'Nehru Place.. nehru place.. nehru place...' in sync with the engine noise.
I waved my hand to one of those autos to stop and when I reached Nehru Place I gave the autowala a 50 rupee note. I thought it might have costed around 20 rupees or something but I got 45 rupees in return. Wow! It's pretty cheap then. (I actually never traveled in a sharing-type auto before my college life). So from there I finally reached Sarojini Nagar market.
I saw Shubham, Varun & Rajat sitting on a bench at one corner of the market. The market seemed so nice early that morning with a very less number of shops open and free from crowd.
"Aa gaya dekh. Don't know what he is reading." said Rajat as I was walking towards them.
"Saale, where is Prashant?" I asked as I shook hands and hugged them - the trademarked 'hello' in a gang of buddies.
"Aarela hai.." said Varun.
"There's a 10'o clock show of Rockstar at Priya." said Rajat.
"Done. First we will watch the movie and then we will plan what to do next." I made it clear.
Meanwhile Shubham was dancing on some songs with his earphones plugged in and Varun was just playing with his phone in his palm (or maybe he was waiting for a reply from his girlfriend). I closed my book and put it in my bag and took out my lunch to eat.
"Oye hoye... What have you got?" Shubham said and stopped dancing.
"Upma." I said.
"Give it to me here, I'll help you in reducing your tummy." said Rajat, and everyone laughed.
"It's already 8:45. Where is he?" asked Shubham.
"Yeah.. I'm trying since a long time. No answer." said Varun.
"Wait. Let me also try." I said and called Prashant.
"The number you have dialed is not answering at this moment. Please call again later." - said our mobile phones.
After another couple of calls he finally attended. We asked him to come immediately to us and in no time he did the same. We all walked to the bus stand and waited for almost twenty minutes for the bus.
"Screw these buses! I never get the one which I need but when I don't need it, there are plenty of them." said Shubham angrily.
"Yup. You're absolutely right." said Rajat.
"Hota hai.. hota hai... I can understand." said Prashant while consoling Shubham as if he was a small kid who just accidently broke his favourite toy.
"794.. 569... 588... 442... 392... Damn these buses seriously!.." said Varun as he was looking for the right one to come and make our bunk successful.
Seriously! We were barely left with thirty minutes of time and we were still in search of a right bus. I thought I could continue to read my book meanwhile and I took it out of my bag. As soon as I read the first word after the bookmark, I heard Varun saying quite loudly: "Chalo kamino... We got the bus."
... To be continued.
A monotonous Monday and the routine follows up. Wake up early, get ready and go to college. While walking towards the cab, you suddenly get connected to your college. You get in a trauma that you forgot about some assignments which were to be done in the past weekend. Shit! Reschedule your assignment work for the next weekend with some more assignments which shall be given in the current week. And of course, prepare for upcoming practical exams. Screwed up! Luckily, that day you put in an interesting book in your bag to read and then you make a resolution to burst your stress - 'Okay... I will read this book whole day.'
I was just a few kilometers away from my college, "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. Rashmi Bansal." said that book cover. After two pages of reading, my phone buzzed. 'Shubham calling...' and I immediately answered.
"Yup. Bol... kya baat hai?" I said.
"Yeah listen... where are you?" he enquired.
"I am on my way to college. I am almost there." I answered.
"Ohkay... Don't go." he said taking deep breaths.
"Why? What happend?" I got serious.
"None of us are going. Me, Prashant, Varun and Rajat.. None of us.. come back.. we'll have fun." he said in a normal breath.
"Alright. Where I have to meet you guys?" I asked.
"Come to Sarojini Nagar market. We will be waiting for you. Chal okay. Bye." he said and disconnected.
And my stress was vanished in some fraction of seconds after the call. I asked the driver to stop the cab. Then I got down and saw a number of 7-seater sharing-type-auto rickshaws one after the other, with all its drivers screaming 'Nehru Place.. nehru place.. nehru place...' in sync with the engine noise.
I waved my hand to one of those autos to stop and when I reached Nehru Place I gave the autowala a 50 rupee note. I thought it might have costed around 20 rupees or something but I got 45 rupees in return. Wow! It's pretty cheap then. (I actually never traveled in a sharing-type auto before my college life). So from there I finally reached Sarojini Nagar market.
I saw Shubham, Varun & Rajat sitting on a bench at one corner of the market. The market seemed so nice early that morning with a very less number of shops open and free from crowd.
"Aa gaya dekh. Don't know what he is reading." said Rajat as I was walking towards them.
"Saale, where is Prashant?" I asked as I shook hands and hugged them - the trademarked 'hello' in a gang of buddies.
"Aarela hai.." said Varun.
"There's a 10'o clock show of Rockstar at Priya." said Rajat.
"Done. First we will watch the movie and then we will plan what to do next." I made it clear.
Meanwhile Shubham was dancing on some songs with his earphones plugged in and Varun was just playing with his phone in his palm (or maybe he was waiting for a reply from his girlfriend). I closed my book and put it in my bag and took out my lunch to eat.
"Oye hoye... What have you got?" Shubham said and stopped dancing.
"Upma." I said.
"Give it to me here, I'll help you in reducing your tummy." said Rajat, and everyone laughed.
"It's already 8:45. Where is he?" asked Shubham.
"Yeah.. I'm trying since a long time. No answer." said Varun.
"Wait. Let me also try." I said and called Prashant.
"The number you have dialed is not answering at this moment. Please call again later." - said our mobile phones.
After another couple of calls he finally attended. We asked him to come immediately to us and in no time he did the same. We all walked to the bus stand and waited for almost twenty minutes for the bus.
"Screw these buses! I never get the one which I need but when I don't need it, there are plenty of them." said Shubham angrily.
"Yup. You're absolutely right." said Rajat.
"Hota hai.. hota hai... I can understand." said Prashant while consoling Shubham as if he was a small kid who just accidently broke his favourite toy.
"794.. 569... 588... 442... 392... Damn these buses seriously!.." said Varun as he was looking for the right one to come and make our bunk successful.
Seriously! We were barely left with thirty minutes of time and we were still in search of a right bus. I thought I could continue to read my book meanwhile and I took it out of my bag. As soon as I read the first word after the bookmark, I heard Varun saying quite loudly: "Chalo kamino... We got the bus."
... To be continued.
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